Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.

   Anti-social behavior is a sign of intelligence in a world full of conformists.

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.

   Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”

   If you scan a tribal tattoo at a Walmart price checker, it unlocks a secret a room where homeless men fight to the death for the amusement of Toby Keith.

   Pete Buttigieg couldn't run a go cart track, at Buster Green's Fun Park and Bait Shop.

   Airport

   TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip? FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

   Wolf meat was on sale at the exotic food store. So I bought a pack.

   85% of Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.

   I miss the days when getting tested meant you were sleeping around.

   Justin Bieber is being sued for allegedly beating up his ex-bodyguard. Which begs the question — who hires a bodyguard that Justin Bieber can beat up?

   Did any of you get nominated for an Oscar? Me neither. Apparently you have to be in a movie to get nominated, which I think is unfair.

   I bought my dog a cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.

   No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

   [my first day as a 911 dispatcher] *eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

   Diet status: I spilled powdered sugar on an important document and licked it off.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be a lot more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

   My husband and dog are a lot alike. They both want what I’m eating and get startled awake by their own stinky farts.