Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In terms of fractions, the football quarterback is more revered than the halfback or the fullback. Does that mean if there was an eighthback, he'd be considered Godlike?

   Her: pour some sugar on me Me: but there are bees out though

   Bono and Edge walk into a bar and the Bartender says " Oh No Not U2 Again ! "

   Don't judge me by my Facebook posts. I'm much worse in real life because there's no community standards.

   My new home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   I've lived around the world, hold several degrees, prepared every dish from every cookbook, play many musical instruments and have been champion on several international game shows. My name is Bindair Dundat.

   My favorite part of the Olympics is when it's over.

   Did you know that Kamala Harris was in the movie The Wizard of Oz? She was the wicked witch of the west, and she didn't even have to act.

   never done absentee ballot voting before. Do I mail all 7 back at one time or space them out?

   I don't know whose manager needs to hear this but pizza is not a bonus.

   I just want someone to take me out already. Whether that be on a date or with a shotgun, it's entirely up to you - I'm up for it.

   Some people need to forget about the fountain of youth and start looking for the fountain of common sense!

   Friday night

   I do what my guitar tells me to do. 🤟

   busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

   Mike who cheese Harry

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me that'd be great.

   The reason why hurricanes are normally named after women is because when they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car.

   The world is becoming increasingly dumb and I refuse to go along with it.

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also walk like Frankenstein and do a backflip into a volcano.