Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the new girl wants to spend the night; “the couch pulls out, but I don’t.”

   Be willing to walk alone. Many who started with you, won’t finish with you.

   If swimming is good exercise, then explain whales.

   I’m not the bigger person, better leave me alone.

   Biden: No more gas stoves!

   The best thing about a woman on the Right, no ding-dong.

   Activate Flying Monkeys!

   Suddenly, California has too much water! Let’s play a game called, simmer-sin-sink-or-swim.

   Who let: da dog out

   You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes.

   The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

   IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.

   Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.

   Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.