Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

   It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

   Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

   if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

   Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

   I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

   You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

   Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

   me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* so sorry

   Your face makes onions cry.

   Hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.

   Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.

   I love to shop, but I’ll never buy your bull.

   Oops, my bad. Thought I was dealing with an adult.

   Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.

   You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

   I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?

   You don’t like being treated the way that you treat others? That must really suck.

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.