Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

   grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying.

   probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   wondering WHY does Barnes & Noble have all their books on back pain on the bottom shelf? WTF?!

   using your wifi

   staring at a Orange Juice box coz it says concentrate

   if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

   I told his wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked him in the cellar

   think that if there wasnt a last minute she wouldnt get anything done

   says learning Linux isn't just easy, it's fun, too! Actual shell commands: "unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep"... ahhh the subtle beauty of UNIX.

   arm wrestling the KOOL-AID guy...he's strong! He must be drinking MILK!

   things could be worse ya know....Sex COULD be fattening!

   .....Squirrels: Nature's Little Speed Bumps!

   wondering what would happen if he wrote, "For Marijuana" in the memo field of all his checks? ...

   if NFL doesn't want Michael Vick back....my local animal shelter is looking for a pooper scooper!

   if you die in a elevator....press the UP button!

   wonders if a guy stands up in church to disagree with the priest...is he called a mass debator?

   This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

   Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.