Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I said was .. "Just spread the legs open alittle wider and I'll stuff it in".....Geez thats the last time I try to help stuff a turkey !

   women are like pianos,there grand when there not upright!

   I'm not usually a fan of cliche's, but every now and then it's ok to ask yourself what you're truly thankful for...

   Gotta love sharing a bathroom with elderly family after Thanksgiving Dinner...I feel like Andy Dufrain crawling thru those 200 hundred yards of pipe for freedom....

   Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

   If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

   thank god I'm ambidextrious and thank you redtube

   can't wait for this 365 day weekend to begin.

   An Indian man dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates,he meets an angel. Angel asks "Who are you here to see?". "Jesus!" the man replies. The angel then shouts "Jesus! Your taxi's here!".

   I love the Macys Thanksgiving day parade. Where you can watch your favorite stars lipsync to their hit songs!

   Norton Shores, Michigan - a teenage girl had her neck bit by the young man sitting in front of her during a screening of the new Twilight movie. So caught up, he committed to being a vampire. Don't even ask what happened when he saw Brokeback Mountain

   I love a Thanksgiving turkey... it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.

   HOLIDAY SHOPPING TIP #1: When the lines at the supermarket are out the door. Say loudly "Ill take the next customer on register #_ _"Then make your way to the nearest "Real" open register.

   May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump, may your potatoes and gravy have a nary lump. May your yams be delicious, And your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs! HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL..........

   I beat up a Ninja once...True story.

   loves animals... especially in gravy

   I celebrate Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we have an enormous feast, and then I kill them and take their land.

   So stick that in your juice box & suck it!!

   Hangovers: the wrath of grapes.

   filthy,stinking rich. Well,two out of three ain't bad.