Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   went to the bookshop today to get a book about conspiracies. Guess what, there were none there. Coincidence?

   On Dasher, on Dancer, on Mastercard, on Visa.

   There's a new product called "Texthook" that lets parents strap phones to strollers so they can text while pushing their children. The most common text message is, "OMG, I just crashed my baby into another baby!"

   ¡¡¡ƃuılıǝɔ ƃuıʞɔ*ɟ ʎɯ ɟɟo ʇǝƃ `lǝuoıl ʎǝɥ

   needs an elf to wrap presents…..oh and do the laundry too while your at it.

   One minute after New Year We are going to have the above binary combination.- 01 : 01 01 / 01 / 10

   Mornings would go a lot smoother if someone would introduce "Garanimals" for men. Tags match? The outfit will work!

   dont be afraid of the dark, be afraid of whats in the dark....

   Just when you think you got the answer...someone changes the question.

   Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a weak man all day. Wearing a backpack & a turtleneck is lke being strangled by a weak man as a dwarf tries to pull you down.

   I woke up this morning and my friend said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No. I made a few mistakes."

   Anyone want to chip in and make a counteroffer to buy back Joe Lieberman?

   Back in my day, evolution simply meant a more badass Pokemon.

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.

   insecure and naturally picks on those who are weaker than himself to give him some demented sense of self worth.

   I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was thirty, but I wasn't even close. Then I thought maybe by forty, but by forty I had less money than I did when I was thirty.

   Just walked in the shower with my socks on....AGAIN

   A South Korean woman passed her written driving exam on the 950th try, taking the test every day for four years. She then went to a random typewriter and banged out a Shakespearean play.

   ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

   I remember when the candleshop caught on fire. Everyone just stood around singing "Happy Birthday".