Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

   I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

   ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

   When I was a kid, bedtime was 9:00. I couldn't wait to grow up so I could go to bed any time I wanted. That turned out to be about 9:00.

   Not my proudest fap, but here we are. 😏

   Just watched someone who bought a dozen eggs without even checking them first. Talk about an unhinged wealth flex. 🙄

   Not now, Sweetie. Mommy’s busy cyberbullying the mayor. 😁

   There is no cloud, it’s just someone else’s computer. 😐

   The only way I can catch errors in my messages, is to read them from my sent folder. 😏

   Every few years, you reevaluate your concept of old. 😉

   Stop trying to please people who don’t like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they’ve ever met. 😊

   Most of being an adult is whispering “f*ck this” while doing it anyway. 😏

   Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎

   Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂

   The secret to keeping a clean house is done by clicking on the last option under settings on Facebook.

   I got a job sketching suspects at the police station. I'm a con artist!

   It’s cute when you try to string words into a complete sentence.

   You’re living proof that it’s possible to live without a brain.

   I would slap the crap out of you, but there would be nothing left.

   There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.