Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How about a really bad food court where planes land? – Pitch for every airport

   The fancier the design on the back pocket of the jeans, the less fancy the person.

   @shanethevein It's not so much that I'm a KE$HA hater, its more of the fact that I'm a music lover.

   I'm not in a relation"ship," I'm in a relation"barge" that's towing emotional garbage all day long.

   Did this many people have birthdays before Facebook?

   Maybe the Mayan world-ending prediction in 2012 was more of a suggestion

   spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the app so I may need new meds..

   Teacher: You failed your exam. Student: You failed to teach me.

   Trump’s more of a basketball guy. Can’t get enough of the Spurs.

   Children are the future..... but probably not your children.

   I've been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I'm eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

   ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here! KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

   Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.

   thank you for the funny jokes and tweets again.. ahhhhh

   Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

   Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."

   My current wife doesn't like when I call her that

   Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

   Once, just once, I'd like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.

   my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling.... everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.