Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin

   Never believe anything until it has been officially denied

   If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee!

   Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy

   Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose...

   I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises

   They send you off to college to try to gain a little knowledge, but all you wanna do is learn how to score

   I wish I had a kryptonite cross, that way I could defeat superman and dracula at the same time

   It is a sad day, "Hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants that now live in Arizona, may no longer feel welcome." --CBS anchor Katie Couric

   The teacher told Pepito to make sentences with his spelling words: the womans body is nice budwieser face so ugly?

   If God had wanted Mexicans to rule the world he wouldn't have invented Tequila ~ Happy Cinco De Mayo

   Arizona is the only state in the US that does not observe daylight savings time or the 5th of May. (Cinco de Mayo) Today is May 4th part 2.

   I guess Chely Wright really was looking for a 'Single White Female'.

   Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off...

   It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

   Welcome To Sh*t Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

   Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

   It's Cinco de Mayo! Or, as they call it in Arizona, "May fifth let me see your papers."

   Got carded for a box of Nicorette. I guess they don't want you to quit using tobacco until you're over 18...

   I know I looked like a complete idiot on that wedding video but the camera adds 10 drinks.