Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dropped and broke an egg this morning. Yet another seven years of bad luck with the chicks...

   Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.

   Just bought some of that new Pelosi Vodka at the Liquor Store. It has no proof, either.

   There is a guy here at work that calls me "Chief." There's another guy here at work that calls me "Pardner." I'm beginning to feel like I'm a double-agent in a clandestine Cowboys and Indians war.

   Ladies, please remove your Apple Watch if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a Spy Kid.

   For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.

   I got a speeding ticket yesterday...But my attorney, Rudy Giuliani, plead it down to 1st Degree Murder.

   I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.

   The phrases "Adam Schiff" and "Intelligence" can not be used in the same sentence.

   The thing I don't like about Twitter is don't give you enough room to write all your thoughts out and you always end up cutting short every sente

   Let's face it, Facebook is just a place for people seeking attention and tweeter is a place where they hope someone, anyone, will listen.

   Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don't lie either.

   I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

   The probability of someone looking at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   You can tell it’s autumn because Nancy Peelosi used her cauldron to make chowder.

   mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income. me: no problem broker: Where are you currently employed? me: Spirit Halloween

   I never know what to do with all the fast food condiments I bring home from restaurants but I sure am ready for the trick-or-treaters this year!

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

   Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...