Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The streets of my city are no longer safe. I do not wish to use kung fu, but I am afraid that there is no alternative.

   Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

   EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

   Me: ready to visit grandma? Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying? Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

   A Wednesday without rain is a Dry Hump Day.

   I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don't get blown away.

   Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don't like me Therapist: That's where I can help Me: Great Therapist: They don't

   So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

   If it says "typing" for more then 2 minutes... you're gonna have a bad time.

   Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I'm gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

   My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream. The best response was not "Was he hot?” I know this now.

   My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

   *throws bottle with note into ocean *months pass *bottle with note washes up on beach “Your rescue request is very important to us...”

   *brings therapist to family gathering* Me: See? Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

   Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no

   Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

   Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start marinating the beaver.

   My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"

   'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

   Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor? Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.