Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   4 truths of life: 1) You can't touch all of your teeth with your tongue. 2) All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it. 3) The first truth is a lie. 4) You're smiling now cause you are an idiot.

   Drop a nuke on the oil spill...just worry about the excuse we'll need after they overshoot the target and bomb Mexico instead.

   Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $4 Million to pose nude in the July issue...Michelle Obama got offered 50 Bucks from National Geographic.

   wondering if fix a flat will bring my blow up doll back to life?

   Now on two diets...because I was still hungry after just one.

   Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

   i guess Farmville is cool, if your into doing thing with the animals

   You know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

   Wonders if there is a cure for "dumbassness" if so, I know a few people who need a dose.

   First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

   trying to decide if I has an attitude problem today, or not.

   Used to have a life. Now I have a laptop and Facebook!

   Waldo's bangin' Carmen Sandiego right now. Somehow, despite all the odds, they found each other.

   The weather in New York is partly cloudy and warm...just like A-Rods urine sample

   If people who shop at Walmart, "Save Money. Live Better." Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?

   When I was a kid games taught us a valuable lesson. Like "slapping a hippo on the @ss will make him eat". That's important sh*t!

   Its like the whole world is out on the roads today driving like a pack of grandmas on their way to Bob Evan's after church on a Sunday. Sheesh!!!

   Tonite I feel like drinking until it looks like Jim Joyce made the right call.

   Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.......or swallow... In that case, call me ;)

   Ummm.....there's a reason they are called "skinny jeans".......