Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daughter's school is selling apples for their band. If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I'll go to Whole Foods.

   wife: I want you- me: [takes off clothes] wife: -to do the laundry me: [puts them in washer]

   [first day as a soldier] ME: whoa I almost stepped on a land grenade SARGE: mine ME: whoa I almost stepped on your land grenade

   Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

   computer: enter password me: mypulloutgame computer: password weak all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying

   *gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   I'm taking stuff to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for 6 months.

   Kids and their Halloween costumes. We were so poor when I was a kid, my Mom drew on our faces with an El Marko, and we trick or treated for canned food. NO MA'AM, I'll TAKE THE CANNED CORN.

   He's doing a fabulous job of destroying the economy that president Obama left him. Tremendous job!

   If I learned anything from our great president, it's that I should abandon all my allies and embrace all my enemies.

   Do you ever feel like you are in Season 5 of your life and the writers keep coming up the weird stuff just to keep it interesting?

   I don't understand people who update their status every 10 minutes to show their friends how exciting their life's are, which are probably not as exciting as they claim if they're staring at Facebook all the time.

   I’m famous someone took a picture of me it went virus

   Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

   Why are there 400 bills just sitting on that turtle, McConnell's desk? Talk about do nothing.

   What if I told you everything you see on Facebook is me.

   I need everyone to reach into the bottoms of your hearts and send me all your love, good vibes and support at this time. Oh and don't worry nothing's wrong, In fact everything is going great! and just figure why wait to ask until things go wrong.

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.