Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

   loves to be the first person to use a new bar of soap

   remembering how when he was young and only kiss on the lips was a big deal, now a days it's like let's cut the bullsh*t let's have sexy time."

   All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

   What do the Argentina World Cup soccer team and BP have in common? A Messi!

   enjoying the fourth of july, the most american holiday of them all. And what do we do as americans? we drink beer owned by Belgians. (Bud) beer by south Africans, (miller) we eat polish sausages, and shoot fireworks from the Chinese.

   The greatest lesson we can learn from the past. . . is that freedom is at the core of every successful nation in the world... Liberty is the right to choose. Freedom is the result of the right choice!

   You're not Pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

   Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.

   I was talking to my friends Tom and Dave and they said " hey, do you know Doug has two a$$holes"? I said "What???" They said "It's true. Today we were walking with Doug and we heard somebody say 'Look, there's Doug.With those two a$$holes'"

   Dear At&t, can you please stopping dropping my phone calls. I know the iPhone is a great money maker for you, but you guys don't enough bandwidth to service your FLIPPIN handheld media devices plus my FLIPPIN PHONE CALLS... mmmmkkkay thanks

   List of things I've accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List

   One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.

   Anyone with a pool want to be my new best friend?

   They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Sh*t You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it.

   My new hobby is intentionally putting myself into awkward situations

   So Andy Murray is out of Wimbledon - he was said to look absolutely distraught. I'm so pleased he's cheered up a bit ......

   Must have finally caught "Beiber Fever", Every time I hear about this prick, I wanna puke...

   Nothing says your celebrating the birth of are Nation, like the smell of Gunpowder and Beer..

   patrick swayze sang she's like the wind. On the way to work this morning the wind blew me all over the road.... if only patricks song were more true.