Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every Final Destination movie ending: Death wins, everyone who survived the accident in the beginning, dies.

   Took my phone to the men's room once-didn't realize I was streaming live..

   Selling scotch during a prohibition is whiskey business.

   Why did the Galaxy Karaoke phone fail? It always played the Samsung over and over again.

   My math teacher called me average. How mean!

   My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.

   *pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way

   Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

   I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

   I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.

   : I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

   You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It's awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

   Grading system for students in India: A - Average B - Below average C - Can't have dinner D - Don't come home F - Find a new family

   [Alien vs Predator] Alien: I can eat your face off Predator: I'm not allowed within 100 feet of a school

   Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid: You didn't sew the hole in my bunny Me.. Kid.. Me: It's 3:07am Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

   ME: [holding door for wife] WIFE: Why can't we just buy an umbrella?

   *Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.

   Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I'm not exactly sure how to pick you up

   Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven't aged as well as you.

   People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges