Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Disappointments are Inevitable but misery is optional. ;)

   Police pulls over a speeding car; Cop: I've been waiting for you all day. Driver: Yeah well I got here as fast as I could. ;)

   Aside from ur face, what's ur problem!? ;)

   How is it C-3PO is fluent in 6 million languages, yet in none of them can manage to say, "I'm gay?"

   I'm starting to think those 4 years of "P. Diddy Language" I took in grad school may have been a wizz-aste.

   Amy Winehouse says her body has been through so much she probably can't get pregnant. Darwin wins again.

   Craigslist removed its' "Adult Services"section. Headline should read, "No one to ever use Craigslist again".

   If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would definitely love.

   Barack Obama's tweets are too official. Just once I'd like to see something like: "Just took a Biden-sized dump".

   I feel like "cheeseburger" works better as a noun than as an adjective.

   My therapist told me that whenever I'm panicking or involved in a serious situation; the best solution is to take deep breaths.... Ok... Now what if I'm drowning?...

   has decided not to call them BRAs from now on and instead refer to them as BOOBIE TRAPS! coz it just sounds more fun to say

   Does this rag smell like Chloroform?

   Great door signs: Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix. Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels. Plumber's office: We repair what ur husband fixed. Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout. Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.

   Dance like the photo's not being tagged, Love like you've never been unfriended, Status Update like nobody's following.

   Walk a mile in my shoes... Then walk another mile... In fact, just keep the shoes and keep walking.

   This day would have started better if one of you had brought me coffee in bed.

   I wonder if anyone else feels like their life is a series of bloopers and outtakes.

   Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

   after watching the Maryland/Navy game, I have to say that I am a little concerned about national security. I mean, the armed forces should be able to strategize better than anyone, right?!?