Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever originally thought up the vampire idea should have trademarked it.

   May the wind always be at your back and the sun upon your face. And may the wings of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars. - george jung

   If Charlie Brown comes to your house trick or treating this Sunday, please give that kid some candy. That poor kid has been getting just rocks since 1966!

   Ok I can only last 5 mins in bed so remind me....... why am I going to use Trojan fire&ice again????

   My ex once told me we need to speak the same language... so I ordered Rosetta Stone crazy edition so I could learn to communicate in her native tongue!

   Simba was walking to slow, so she told him to mufasa

   If I were a pilot I would scream "WE'RE GOING DOWN" every time I landed the plane.

   wondering if ghosts only speak/understand english?

   Wonder what chairs would look like if our knees bent the other way

   Lil'Wayne must be strong if he can pick the world up and drop it on my head

   can't believe no-one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet. Surely it must be a piece of cake...

   I have 20/20 vision but i'm having a hard time reading this blurry code I have to enter online.

   This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

   If standing up for the constitution makes me an extremist, then yes, I am!

   If the founding fathers were alive they wouldn't tolerate this. Why should we?

   You always get what you pay for. Nothing proves this more than toliet paper.

   Ebay: thank you for buying "Modern Warfare 2". Members who have bought this have also bought: Glitter boy Anal lube.

   Any man who does that should be Hung!" The man slowly took a sip of his beer then quietly replied... "I am,......and that's why she is happy to mow the lawn.

   One hot sunny afternoon a man was sitting in his lawn-chair drinking beer and listening to the game, while his wife mowed the lawn. The Lady next store observed this and scolded him.... "How can you sit there and let your wife do the hard work? Any man w

   Dear bacon company - is it too challenging to make a package I don't need to destroy to get open and that doesn't leave my hands covered in grease?