Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm looking foreword to being the drunken version of wikiLeaks at our office holiday party this year!

   increasingly tempted to use the 'Like' button as a subversive, vaguely passive-aggressive weapon. For instance, some shithead I recently deleted who I was never too keen on, announced that his car had been stolen...It seeemed an ideal moment to click like

   127.0.0.1 I wish I was with you right now and not at work. I would love to crawl in your nice warm bed and snuggle under the covers.

   I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say " He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."

   There is no such thing as being underdressed when you're going to Wal-Mart.

   You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!

   In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim. ........... You'd think they would be trying to stop it.

   Darnit, my kufi doesn't match my dashiki. What on earth will I wear for Kwanzaa??

   Dong. Oh Dong! Where is my automobile?

   I can't believe they've imprisoned Wesley Snipes without first cryogenically preserving Sylvester Stallone

   Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks so cool, hanging from my car's rearview mirror :)

   MTV just sent me a message that had something to do with fist pumping with Snooki and The Situation this New Year's Eve. Can I fist pump them in the jaw?

   With all these numbers opping up, you would think somone would have a bingo by now

   I've been in a relationship with Jack Daniels for so long...should be able to claim him as a dependant on my taxes.

   Score ! I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough...... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !

   I would do alot of things... But catch a grenade... Line has got to be drawn somewhere...

   thinking if somebody invented vibrating tampons women would enjoy their period a lot more!!

   The only # game I am playing is Barcardi 151, Seagrams 7&7, Weller 107 and maybe Maddog 20/20!!!

   My car heater has two settings: face melting and off.

   Every Christmas Eve my family tries to break the record of number of people stuffed into one kitchen.