Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank you Facebook for your new dumb layout & for me having to click my status update 52 times for it to take....

   making my list and checking it twice due to early on-set senility!

   doesn't think you should ever compliment a lady on her mustache... no matter how magnificent it is.

   "Hello Wednesday morning....for a moment, I thought you were your friend, Friday! Forgive the disappointed look!"

   I Would Never Be With Someone Just Because They Were Financially Stable. I Would Rather Live In A Trash Can With The Love Of My Life, Than To Live In A Mansion With Someone That Activates My Gag Reflexes.

   dreaming of a 'backcolor=#FFFFFF' Christmas.

   If you can read this, chances are you won't be recieving a gift from me this Christmas. Happy Holidays!

   3:48 a.m. i'd like a double cheeseburger, and some fries ... 'sorry we only have breakfast'

   I tried everything last night to get the baby to sleep.Finally after 5 bottles he went down.He's going to have a bad hangover!!

   once had a Hangover so bad I had to put sneakers on the cat

   now friends with Jose Cuervo

   This is my cup of care \_/ oh look, IT'S F**KING EMPTY.

   If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?

   - I took my ex out last night. It only took one punch :)

   The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

   I work as a waiter and love it when people ask "How do you prepare the chicken?"I always reply "We tell it straight, you gonna die

   Larry King is getting his 8th divorce; Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time; Britney Spears had a 55 hour marriage; Jesse James and Tiger Woods are screwing EVERYTHING; yet the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the insti

   Dear Status, I'm not sure if I should keep (up)dating you any more. You've changed, and I'm not sure if I'll like it.

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me ;-)

   Destiny may decide who touches your Life ~ Your heart may decide who touches your Soul ~ But...Tequila decides who touches your body