Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a licensed kamasutrist

   Found an industrial size combo pack of Mop-N-Glo and Mr. Clean for my wife for Christmas.

   When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them, 'I have it at home in my spare wallet

   Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

   D.A.R.E. ... Drugs Are Really Expensive...

   Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.

   I need audio of crickets chirping on my phone so I can play after someone says something stupid to me.

   I love when people cut me off because they're in a rush, then I pull up next to them at the same red light.

   "Sexy" means I want you. "Pretty" means I like you. "Beautiful" means I love you. "Gorgeous" means all of the above

   I didn't trip, I just attacked the floor with my mad ninja skills.

   Dear Ex, I don't hate you, I'm just disappointed you turned into everything you said you'd never be.

   I'm just thankful we don't have a sixth sense that allows us to taste everything we look at.

   Rejection doesn't hurt, expectation does. Lie doesn't kill, denial does. "Forget" doesn't heal, "forgive" does.

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   waiting for Cmac to tap the microphone and say "Is this thing on?"

   U know you mexican when you wrap christmas presents with a knife instead of scissors.lol

   I am the old guy who cut you off, took your parking spot, glared at you in the mall, called the cops on your party last night...and married your Grandma

   Sometimes, I intentionally wait a few minutes before I "comment" on a FB friends "comment" about my status just so they think that I actually do something else besides stare at my computer all day

   If I look like I'm being bashful chances are I'm just trying to cover my nose, because when you talk I can smell your teeth dying.

   Every year, grandma gets run over by a reindeer. I wonder if this year, if I left some extra cookies, Santa'd aim for my ex instead?