Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What does OJ have that every man wants? A Heisman trophy and a dead ex-wife!

   If a mime shoots you, must he use a silencer?

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two fifty, go figure.

   Ok, my friends list is now exactly at 1.000 people! I'm not adding anymore. New request will be forwarded to the Hosni Mubarak's facebook page, because the poor guy has 0 friends!

   closer than he appears in your rearview mirror.

   It's not a mood if your always in it... Then it's just your personality.

   Word: Drama Definition: a complete and total waste of my time.

   The Bipolar smiley face :): (dr brown )....

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   Dear LOL, Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, I have nothing else to say

   Women are like Parking spaces.. all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!! :)

   "Domino's Pizza is now made with real cheese"........ WTF were you using before!

   I just got a text from a wrong number that said "I think my ex is stalking my friends"... so I replied back "No I'm not."

   Ah winter, that beautiful time of year for frozen engines, broken car starters and screeching fan belts. Bliss 

   Joe the Bartender: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed... But the law allows only one wife so your chances of finding these qualities in slim to none. So start with the bed part and work from t

   We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police!

   to the police officer : " Is not because I'm Drunk ! Is only because my Power Balance is not working! :Q

   cant wait till the kids get older so I dont have to bring in the groceries

   I was thinking....I bet airfare to Egypt is crazy cheap right about now. I've never seen the pyramids, are they still standing?? Oh never mind, they got no internet, I'M NOT GOING!!!

   ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?