Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life Lesson number 1, There is a time each month when a man would rather face death in a 20ft snow drift than spend a day with his significant other. Thank god for 4 wheel drive

   would eat more salads if they didn't taste like vegetables.

   I'm about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings

   reminded my buddy to let his faucet drip...forgot he had gonorrhea...another awkward moment brought to you by STD's...

   Thank you music, for being there when no one else was.

   Thanks everyone for posting photos of the fresh snow. No, really I haven't seen nearly enough in person even though I was shoveling at 5am this morning.

   Just remember... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!

   Faucets should really have a drip setting instead of making me take 20 minutes to try to get the handle just right in order to keep my pipes from freezing.

   mans evolution is from monkey to a man. But governments evolution is from man to a monkey. Both sad and funny

   How do you put an end to the circus?.........Go for the juggler!

   I hope all that racket in Egypt doesn't wake Imhotep again. I don't think I could take another lame Mummy movie.

   going to be wearing an armor plated vest just in case Cupid gets any ideas.

   So if gasoline is based on supply and demand and a third of the Nation has been crippled by this winter storm, doesn't it only make sense that gas goes down in price for at least a few days?

   In Punxsutawney for breakfast trying to figure out what the mystery meat next to the pancakes is?

   Maybe if tmobile spent less time on attack commercials, and more time creating phones, and providing a good signal their company would suck a little less. iPhone is still the best!

   Everybody in Chicago is moaning about the snow. Um it is winter and it is Chicago, what dou you expect? Sunshine and lollipops?

   My Valentines Date was arrested for biting her self and pushing her self down a flight of stairs... :( I need a replacement. :\

   Man I wanna throw a book at someone face and be like "I Facebooked you!" Lol

   That awkward moment when someone sits in your seat

   That mini-heart attack when you miss one step at the stairs.