Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things were simpler when everything in my life fit perfectly inside my awesome Trapper Keeper.

   NASCAR - Non Athletic Sports Centered Around Rednecks

   If you're always organizing things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD.

   If you don't like the new photo viewer on Facebook...Hit the F5 key after the picture comes up and it will return you to the old way of viewing the photo and remove the black box around it.

   Oh Mylanta!

   Your profile said you had a body like an amusement park, but when I met you it looked more like a trailer park. what gives?

   My ex said I would always have the key to her heart, so I take it that her new man is a locksmith?

   Ex girlfriends are like herpes...... you ignore them for a few months and then BAM, theyre back, obnoxious as ever.

   Dear snow, I think you're lost. Alaska is a different way.

   the difference between an in-law and an out-law is that outlaws are wanted....

   Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies? :/

   beauty is why god invented eye balls.... booty is why god invented my balls..

   I usually don't care what people are saying until they start whispering.

   where is the chase and how do I cut to it??

   NASCAR - National Association of Stupid Cars And Rednecks

   You know what you don't see alot of? Black North Face jackets. It's like nobody owns one.

   I'm going back to Mexico soon and my friends are telling me to not drink they water. Like I'm really going to drink anything but beer and liquor anyway. The don't know me at all.

   No matter what butcher you go to, you will always get a raw deal.

   You know what baby you have been with me through all the bad times.When I got fired you supported me,when my business fell you were there.When I got shot, you were by my side.Well now that I think about it I think you bring me bad luck!!I think

   whats the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered womens shelter? The dishes if she knows what good for her!