Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   annoying tip #27:when going on a nature walk with your wife, make sure the shovel fits in the backpack.

   God....if you give us back Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings or Freddie Mercury, we'll give You Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga in return, Amen!!

   It's not really stalking if you don't catch me doing it.

   When people try extra hard to cover the keypad as they enter their pin at the ATM, I always want to whisper, "I saw it" when they're done.

   heard OPEC is changing its name to 'bend over, America'...

   I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.....I can't put it down.

   Facebook suggested that I become a friend of Jesus...is that some sort of sign?

   The Eskimo's allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also...

   Just went to the kitchen for water and came back up without it. Now I have to go back to the kitchen.

   Someone needs to uninvent the internet so we can all start getting some stuff done.

   Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think of what could go right.

   Looks like OPEC is up to their old tricks again....I had to cash in a few T-Bills and sell off a kidney to fill up my truck this morning!

   When you subscribe to an established religion, you have only two options. You can become an idiot, or you can become a hypocrite.

   Religions frequently promote inbred social networks. You're encouraged to spend more time with people who share the same belief system while disengaging from those with incompatible beliefs.

   The weather in Oklahoma has been more bipolar then katy perry

   Religions are authoritarian hierarchies designed to dominate your free will.

   I failed this quiz question... Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the answer is Africa! Who knew?!?!

   My friend is having sex with his GF and her twin, asked how he tells them apart, he said her brother has a mustache!

   Prince William's bachelor party is going to be weird. Imagine stuffing money with pictures of your grandma into a lap dancer's g-string

   WARNING!! As of today - Facebook will automatically start dragging Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings > Planetary Settings > Trajectory then UNCLICK the box that says ' Apocalypse.' Facebook kept this one quite.