Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Charlie Sheens Interview was like watching Tom Arnold, Tom Cruise and Michael J. Fox all rolled into one human.

   Dear Starbucks and gas stations...it isn't a competition to see who can charge more.

   Those who do not understand me fear me. Those who do understand me fear for themselves...lol

   Trust me when I tell you.. Your Lugz DO NOT look like Timberlands..

   Setting your stove to 425, and opening the door...not very efficient, but somewhat effective when your furnace isn't working and the fix-it guy can't get there till late morning! Instead of 57 degrees...its now a balmy 60. *Wins

   Move over weight watchers, there is a new diet in town it's called I can feed my family cause I just filled my gas tank

   hot darn thanks to you now I'm in trouble for crusin on facebook.....thanks grandma

   at walmart waitin for the greeter to greet me...ive been sittin in the car for 30mins now...

   Don't you just hate those skinny ass Barbie type girls that always says "I'm fat"!! I would love to go "not now but keep actin' like your actin' and you will be after those 7 kids you're gonna have" Anyone else feel this way??

   That "No alcohol beyond this point" sign might as well say, "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"...

   The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3 hours.

   I'd really like to find the person that named the sensitive part of your elbow the "Funny Bone" and punch them in the face. See how funny they think that is.

   My road rage doubles in winter. Not only does everyone drive like they're 100 years old, but I get even more enraged when I flip someone off and realize I'm wearing mittens. Now I'm pissed and embarassed."

   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."

   All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy!"

   The true test of inner strength is finding both stalls occupied."

   Men are terrified of women. Don't believe me? Go use one of those decorative towels in the bathroom. I dare ya."

   I have a recurring, hour-long meeting set on my work calendar for 4pm on Fridays. There's no actual meeting, but I'll be damned if I let someone schedule a real one at that time."

   If you die in a manner that leaves your body unrecognizable they identify you by your dental records; if they don't know who you are, how in the world would they know who your dentist is?"

   I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.