Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thumbs up if your a Mex Thumbs down if you wanna kill all Mex

   checked in to a hotel and I asked if the porn channels could be disabled…She replied “Sick-o”!!!

   Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her whats she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.

   Spongebob, it's been over 11 years. You're not getting your drivers license.

   Never chase them, quickly replace them. Mistakes? Nahh, I don't retrace them. I just move on and mentally erase them.

   ready to have male pattern baldness become "in style"

   -Grand Theft Auto is the only way I can express myself freely without any consequences....

   Nice guys finish last... because they make sure their women come first ;)

   Women don't want to hear what you think...Women want to hear what they think- in a deeper voice."

   just ripped a hole in my American Eagle jeans. I'd be mad but I think they just went up in value..

   When moving walkways in airports warn me to watch my step because, "The walkway is coming to a end", my first thought is "I'm moving 2 mph, that is ridiculous." Then when I get to the end all I can think is "Oh crap, I better not mess this up."

   This time of year every store is advertising as "your one stop shop!" Really? I'm in college, I'm pretty sure that's the liquor store.

   Notice Liars have 2 or 3 stories like a big house!!!!

   Dear slut, Has your right leg ever met your left leg?

   Sometimes I smile in the middle of telling a story, not because I'm fondly remembering something, but because I'm impressed with the BS I am creating on the spot."

   If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?"

   Everyone's self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse

   silence is golden, but duct tape is all kinds of cool colors now!

   just watched the new gay television series "leave it to beiber"

   just because the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, doesn't mean its not fake field turf.