Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just kicked my shoe off my foot and it bounced off the excercise ball and hit me in the face

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

   Today I didn't know what to do- the devil on my shoulder pushed my angel off other shoulder but just a moment ago the angel came back with a baseball bat!

   Welcome to the Betty Ford Clinic, my name is Charlie and I'll be your bartender for the evening. What'll ya have?

   Watching wrestling. Kinda tired of hearing the fans yell "WHAT???" That catchphrase was old years ago. DAMN YOU STEVE AUSTIN! ;) ;) ;)

   If you don't have a love in your life, don't worry. If you keep living a life with no regrets, either your love will come or someone will regret living their life without you.

   friends and condoms have something in common. . . they both protect you when things get hard.

   I only use the Asian laundromats. It takes two wongs to make it white.

   If God had wanted you to talk more than listen, he would have given you two mouths and one ear.

   When you look, you see reflections of your yourself. When you listen, you hear echoes of yourself. If you don't like something about what you see and hear, no point in smashing the mirror, change who you are becoming.

   Since the groundhog lied this year, I don't feel bad telling you all that groundhog tastes like chicken

   I had sex last night from 1:55 to 3:02...I thought I was a machine until I realized the time had just changed.

   As a fast driver, I have certain rules when I come to a red light intersection with two or more lanes. In order of importance: Never get behind a: 1) A semi, bus or large truck, 2) Drivers with grey hair, 3) A Prius (or other hybrid), and 4) A mini van

   If I hear one more person saying the worlds going to end because of the Japan Earthquake...I'm going to pray from this day forward that God punches you in the face for your stupidity!!!!

   It's not my fault you didn't read the fine print. I came with a warning label.

   I have to admit, I am a Creationist- I believe God was created by man.

   Don't ever think you're nothing because somewhere along the line, there's going to be someone who thinks you're everything.

   I Love People Who Find It Easy To Agree With Me But I Respect The People Who Can Muster The Courage & The Balls To Disagree With Me!!

   thinking she needs a time out from being a grown-up!

   Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.