Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The definition of irony: Not knowing the difference between a definition and an example.

   Every time you lie to your kid and tell them that some dumb thing they did is "great"... you're potentially creating the next Ke$ha.

   On this blessing occasion of mother's day I'd like to thank all the sri lankis and philippinos and other maids who are raising the precious lebanese children and wish them a happy mother's day

   What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!

   Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

   Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.

   There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

   ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

   Goodnight I need to go to sleep early to be late for school tomorrow

   Man I think it is BS that certain nations have our back in war-time situations but won't help with our search for Bigfoot

   I would much rather regret something I did, then something I was too afraid to do...

   Scooby and the gang always solve mysteries in 30 minutes or less. I think I'll hire them to help me with the whole women thing. Plus Daphne is hot.

   : Every day should be 'HUMP DAY'.... but not the Wednesday kind.

   Boba Fett was an embarrassment to us all- Dog the Bounty Hunter

   There is nothing is more awkward than driving through a 'One Way' street without knowing it and you meet up with another car face to face, then have to drive half a mile in reverse.

   3/17/2011 - 3/20/11 RIP - My NCAA Tournament Bracket

   im dying to see the americans plant a C5 up Ghadafi's candy ass and light it with a matchstick and take pics and post it up on facebook and tag me to it so that I can see the pics while feasting on a bag of potato chips

   does this "no fly zone" mean I can't use the trip to Libya I purchased from my Nigerian lottery winnings?

   Waiting for them to blame "Bush" for attacking Libya...just saying

   Hey dude, I am way to high for you to be creeper staring at me right now. None-the-less trying to physically touch me... back off, eat a nacho, and just watch the movie. Sincerely, Female stoners