Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sent a message asking 30 women if they want to go out with me, 26 said yes but unfortunately had to tell them it was april fools.

   I was at the vet with my sick dog, the vet said have you thought about youthanasia? What does Chinese kids have to do with my dog?

   Finger prick tests are being developed to test people for radiation in the wake of the Japan disaster. Apparently if the person's blood comes out glowing fluorescent green, there might be a problem.

   Congress has racked up a reported $15,000 in unpaid parking and traffic tickets. Apparently they are as good at driving their cars as they are in steering the country right over the cliff.

   Britney Spears is being sued for $10 Million over a perfume deal. Apparently the scent is selling well because it helps mask the smell coming from her CDs.

   Egypt is set to announce a new working Constitution. To which the U.S. is asking “Where can we get one of those?”

   A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. Don't college kids already have that? It's called Facebook.

   A report says that 15% of Americans admit to cheating on their taxes. Probably because the other 85% don't have an income anymore.

   I've always wonder who came up with the phrase "sh!ts and giggles", because the two have always been mutually exclusive for me....

   How about when you're in line at The Walmart and they herd ya over to express checkout and the people behind you get all pissed off.

   Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

   so has a friend ever used your PC and caught your google searches on accident? as In if they where searching "Minnesota" and when they typed "Mi" "midget porn" pops up

   If anyone is wondering how to build a meth lab, Google apparently has directions on its homepage today…..

   hates people who feel like the "12 items or less" sign at the supermarket doesnt apply to them

   Girl says "Guys are like bras. They hook up behind your back.".... The best reply, "Girls are like condoms, they spend more time in your wallet then on your d!ck!"

   Live,Laugh, Love if that doesn't work- Raise, Aim and Fire..

   I just saw an advertisement for a singles site that read, “Meet sincere singles over 40”. Thank you, but no thank you, as I'm in search of a deceitful woman...again.....

   longing for the good old days when "Anarchists" were protesting for something other than more government.

   always afraid to poop at a friends house cuz I might clog the toilet...

   There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom