Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if I failed the breathalizer.

   I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

   So I just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God I love my boobs.

   Beware the disease Idiotitis. It causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands are affected. May be contagious. Best defense: Just slap and run.

   If Ben Roethlisberger is actually getting married tomorrow----- I see no reason why Michael Vick cant own a dog!! :P

   I don't give a crap, but If I did give out crap. You'd be the first person I'd give it to.

   Post this as your status update if you hate status updates that tell you to repost something.

   If you ever want to embarass me, just be yourself.

   Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it's your own fault."

   You ever had a dream so damn good, you were pissed right after you woke up because you didn't want it to end....then you tried to go back to sleep to continue it but failed?

   todays weight loss tip: use super glue as lipgloss

   FACEBOOK: the only place you can poke your friends and not get a divorce or break up over it.. yet your motives may be questioned

   There has gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers all the words to 'Baby Got Back'.

   Tough times don't last, but tough people do.

   Dear Congress, Before stopping military pay, you might want to think about what you trained us to do. Sincerely, A Proud Soldier

   DEVELOPING NEWS: The U.S. Government is shutting down....IN OTHER MORE IMPORTANT DEVELOPING NEWS: I've already started DRINKING!!!! The Government can tax me, but they can't ruin my FRIDAY!!!

   When you start smoking beers and drinking cigarettes its time to quits call it.

   Hey Honey... Remember that trip to Yellowstone we have planned this weekend?....

   I keep hearing this week is the big 17th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death. I'm just wondering why we are suddenly celebrating 17th anniversary's like they are significant somehow. Otherwise, shouldn't he wait until 20th or 25th like other dead people?

   Love is patience. Love is kind. Love is making me lose my mind.