Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving.

   I'll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.

   When someone texts you “hahahahaha!!” instead of “haha” or “lol”, you know you've done well.

   s funny how I'm good at giving advice to others, but when it comes to helping myself, I don't know what to do

   ...and then the doctor slapped my little bottom and handed me to her. - How I Met My Mother

   the way to tell a woman is single and or not even dating...is how hairy their legs are

   CNN just posed the question: "Who should get the Bin Laden bounty?" I don't want the dude's paper towels!

   People who still call radio stations to request songs are the same people who still updates their MySpace profiles

   Every man should have a wife - preferably his own!

   Remember that whole "Look both ways before crossing the street" thing? Well that also applies to picking your nose at a stop light. I just got totally busted when I looked at the guy on my right, pointing at me and laughing...

   I'm going to be the first person to walk on the sun...I know what ur thinking an I've got it all figured out...I'm going at nite

   They call mens shaving cream "Beard buster" so why dont they call womens shaving cream "Bush buster"?

   If people had to spell something correctly before being allowed to criticize it, Facebook would be much more peaceful.

   If you really want something, you will find a way. If you don't, you will find an excuse.

   What do you do if you see your crazy Ex, running around in your front yard covered in blood & screaming for help? Stay calm,reload your pistol & aim better!!

   Dear lady in front of me , It is a speed bump , not a freaking land mine

   Why does it take less than a minute to pay online and more than 10 days for the refund ??

   out making changes in his life... leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I dont get back to you - your one of the changes

   just saw an indian asleep on the train and noticed his red dot on his forehead and just thought to myself 'is he on standby?'

   The PopeMobile: Because Nothing says "I have faith in God" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.