Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my Droid freezes I instinctively pull the battery out blow on it like a Nintendo game.

   If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

   Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an "All the stuff you can microwave" aisle.

   The awkward moment when a Liverpool fan asks what's the time and its 19:18.

   my new workout plan is P69X!

   Sooooo this midget walks into a bar....well a bicycle rack....

   Monday is like a midget at a urinal...You have to be on your toes!!

   hoping that all the Farmville crops are ok in Alabama....

   anyone interested in having a Rapture party this weekend?

   I like to walk around the fair with a giant stuffed animal I brought from home, ‘cause I need people to think I'm a winner.

   if a midget with down syndrome is running late, is it ok to call him a little tardy?

   Now that the world is ending this Saturday, making plans for the weekend will be so much easier

   I'm opening up a tattoo shop just for blind people. I wont really tattoo them. I'll just stab'em with a needle taped to a vibrator for an hour

   Great, first MSN. Then freindster, now the spam has came to facebook. Just what everyone needs, a Social Networking page filled with bulls^!Ys!!!

   Why do I know all the words to Cher's Shoop Shoop song? And why is it impossible to look cool when you get caught singing it in traffic

   wishes the cold froze off fat rather than ass...

   If you are tanner than your girlfriend, you are wrong.

   Admits he chooses a Presidedntial Canidate on the basis that they resemble someone on the cast of Saturday Nite Live.

   Dear Cellphone companies>>>Please add an "Unsend my text" option!!

   if you don't like someone on facebook, there's this awesome block button. it saves a lot of drama.