Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh nothing, just standing next to my computer browsing Facebook on my phone.

   ok, a little English pronunciation lesson, mostly because it drives me crazy... Coupon: [koo-pon].... straight from the dictionary... IT IS NOT QUE-pon!!!

   Dear Every Rapper Alive, The same word used in consecutive sentences is not a rhyme, it is the same word used in consecutive sentences... Please Lil Wayne and Drake, work on that... thanks, Dave :-)

   I think this year for Madden '12 they should add a feature for the "lock out". You can be owners and players arguing over millions and billions of dollars, charge hundreds of dollars for tickets, work about 5 months out of the year and never have to worry

   Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   Awkward Moment - realizing you've posted an Awkward moment status that you thought was funny, and no one else does.

   Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late.

   I guarantee you that the iPhone 5 will be easier to break

   Dear boys with no shirt in their profile picture, I like your phone. Sincerely, hunny you have no abs

   "I'm in!" - Flynn

   if a comedian is in a wheelchair, is it still stand up comedy? No, but it would still be wheelie funny.

   having people over for dinner. They asked what they could bring, I said dinner,

   You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

   Spelling bee on @espn. Audience full of proud mom's sitting with dad's who'd rather have an illiterate son who could throw a ball

   Use tSpelling bee on ESPN. Audience full of proud mom's sitting with dad's who'd rather have an illiterate son who could throw a ball.

   Walmart is coming to South Africa. Finally I can get in on all the walmart jokes and stuff posted here.

   #AwkwardMoment empty restroom and he comes to the urinal right next to you......(-___-)

   The awkward moment when halfway through telling a story you realize it is pointless.

   I've just finished writing an epic new film series about dyslexic vampires. It's called the Twiglet Saga.

   Dear drivers, unless you have the eyes of a chameleon. Please don't text and drive.