Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..they're where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE

   The White House was saddened by the passing of Dr. Jack Kevorkian, whom it planned to name its first chairman of the ObamaCare Death Panel.

   Whenever I ride the the bus I always sit with my eyes closed. I hate seeing pregnant, crippled & old women having to stand.

   Jack Kevorkian once said, "The money is okay, but the work is murder."

   Can pregnant people use the car pool lane?

   Glad to hear Dr. Jack Kevorkian died doing what he loved... dying.

   How do I stay looking so slim?.... well, once a week I do a 40 hour famine....it's for a good cause.... you should sponsor me....

   dont force me to show my attitude...trust me m really good at it

   RIP Jack Kevorkian dead at 83. Final stats: 0 points, 0 rebounds, and 130 assists.

   Exercise your suck muscle ladies, it's Friday Night!

   I've noticed that my usage of profanity increases when I play pacman

   did NOT wake up this morning feeling like P. Diddy. :-(

   jamming out to my Best of Rebecca Black Collection.

   It's true that fame is unimportant. No matter how great a man is, the size of his funeral usually depends on the weather.

   I missed my 5 minute window for a Jack Kevorkian joke. Dammit... now they have all been done to death.

   You know how guys buy really large and expensive vehicles to make up for certain shortages? Well, I don't even have a car.

   Sorry used to mean that you won't do it again. Today it just means "I fcked up but I might do it again."

   Pink had her baby girl last night.... What color is it?

   They always say that the hottest person at the party never gets approached because people are intimidated to talk to them. I'm just going to assume that this is me... It would explain so much.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how much of a bad ass are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.