Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear, the next person who pisses me off will find out very quickly that my threats are empty.

   That awkward moment when you're chilling at the park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging a piano.

   The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

   Oh you hate your job? Theres a support group for that, its called EVERYBODY'S USED THIS POST ONE TOO MANY TIMES!

   Going to: ❒ Paris ❒ New York ❒ London ✔ KITCHEN... I'm hungry

   didnt find her way to the top of the food chain, only to get taken out by a cucumber!!!!

   What king od socks do Pirate wear?......AAAARRRGYLE

   I'm so hot I stalk myself.

   my son just said he just blew the ship up..."Daddy that is S..H..I..P.. not the bad word Ok"?

   Write the name of someone you hate on your body every day in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they'll become a suspect.

   Play any of the Terminator or Conan video games nowadays and amazingly the 'cheat codes' will be already be turned on.

   They need to make some people's mouth like a cell phone plan. When their Mouth Minutes run out, they shut up for the rest of the month....until they pay to talk to you.

   Pride Weekend? You know that you have hit it big when you get a song for a whole weekend. Way to go U2

   How are you going to sue Axe? Wether it attracts women or mosquitos, They are both blood-suckers :)

   8) A crowded elevator smells completely different to short people.

   You should like yourself because that is the only person you have to spend the rest of your life with.

   Creaking floorboards have been known to ruin the plans of thousands of teenagers.

   Dear 6, Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you guys do some pretty nasty things. Sincerely, 7.

   Talk used to be cheap...then someone invented cell phones.

   Maybe your ex didn't take you for granted, but they sure took you for everything else.