Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   does things that no cartoon character would dare to go

   I used to think it was fine to eat Taco Bell twice in one week... I sit corrected.

   The doctor called me in his office and said be positive. I said why doc what's wrong? He said nothing... that's your blood type.

   I'm pretty sure Knick, Knack and Patty Whack have given me the bone today.

   There comes a point in every unicyclist's life when he sees a bicycle and says, "Jesus, they make them with 2 wheels now. I've been a fool."

   That awkward moment where you are waiting for the light to turn green at a stop sign.

   worships the King of Burgers. He let's you have it 'Yahweh'.

   Sometimes I wish animals could talk, then I remember all those times I kicked my girlfriend's cat while she wasn't looking and I take back the wish.

   Love is a thing for two...but there's always a slut who doesn't know how to count.

   Ok, so they have GPS that can navigate you all the way across the country...why can't someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?

   Hey, to any friend that has has ever helped me out THANKS, I'm sure I've told you before but I have just been thinking about all that other have done for me and I really appreciate it !!!! THANK YOU !!!

   If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

   If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

   just downloaded this new app called iColi... it's sick!

   shouldn't the DMV have a drive thru?

   how much money should you give a homeless guy doing the Captain Morgan pose?

   Treat life like an ocean, your heart is the shore and friends are the waves. It never matters how many waves there are, what matters is which ones touch the shore.

   ive been wearing my boxer briefs backwards all day...btw guys,when using the restroom, dont use that easy access slot in the front the same way for the back side if you find yourself in the same situation..it doesnt end well!!

   What's with girls who write *crying* on their status? If you wre really crying you would not be able to type that you are crying, now shut the fu*k up before I give you something to really cry about.

   want a tissue for ya issue....