Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so I put my phone in airplane mode and threw it up in the air. Let's just say, worst Transformer ever...

   The akward moment when your college teacher gave you a dead line date for an essay, so you forgot to do it, so you do it at the last day and end up getting a higher grade than your classmates. "THUG LIFE"

   Surround yourself with Contenders, not Pretenders.

   Circus + shopping = Walmart

   A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss. lol ;)

   People make life so hard. smile be happy. hold no grudges. and have sex

   Why don't blind people bungee jump? Because it scares the hell out of the dogs

   if you have ever bought clothes to match the color of your crocs you need to seriously rethink your life.

   Be careful if you see a silver lining in a cloud. It could be another aircraft.

   The fact is, whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say.

   NO! I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why I'm right DAMMIT!!

   I breathe the Dollar Sign_:-$

   They asked the congressman was that a picture of your nuts...he said I'm not sure but it did come from my computer".....so my question is do you have random nuts in your harddrive...smh

   There are so many better reasons to riot other than hockey... like a shoe sale!

   It seems everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, married, pregnant, causes cancer, is undyingly stupid or nuts.

   afraid to go to work, my couch seems to be suffering from separation anxiety!

   Weiner's press conference was long and hard, but he finally whipped out his resignation after beating around the bush for a few minutes, effectively penetrating the crux of the situation and bringing the story to an explosive climax...

   I wonder why Representative Weiner is waiting so long to pull out?

   Thought I was having deja-vu but it turns out I do the exact same things every day

   these sports status suck....like your hairy chest mom ....