Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's not that I'm bad at remembering names, I'm just awesome at forgetting some of them.

   Have you ever done something so stupid that you blamed it on being drunk when you were totally sober just so you looked like less of a dumb ass.

   A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

   The fact is, whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say...

   Just clicked a link that promised to show, "the world's largest breasts."... It was just a picture of Michael Moore taking his shirt off.

   Never realized how annoying some people can be. Then you opened my eyes.

   Whats the point of making cars really really fast if there is a speed limit? like, REALLY, WHATS THE POINT?!?!?!

   I hate going to a restaurant and my girlfriend orders food and ends up picking out of my plate.

   Does homeowner's insurance cover Kool-Aid Man damage?

   Obama's speech tonight: Me me me me I I I I me I me I me me me I my my me me I I my me. Oh, and I........

   My car goes from 0 to 60 in five minutes.

   A lady said her water broke. I offered her my unopened bottle of Aquafina but she kept shouting. She shouted so much an ambulance came.

   So what you're saying is "sexist" isn't like "perfectionist" or "saxophonist" and I should take it off the resume.

   Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don't cut it.

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be "Left rS. 10million in the..."

   If strippers are now called exotic dancers... Then all drug dealers should be referred to as exotic pharmacists

   If you show up at my house without calling first, you'd better be wearing a uniform and delivering the mail.

   Contrary to popular belief, women really dress to impress other women.

   Dance like the photo isn't being tagged, love like you've never been unfriended, and tweet like nobody is following....

   Fellas, There is a direct correlation between the size of the mega-spoiler on your car and the unlikelihood of your getting laid.