Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting sex from my gf is easy....I just have to buy her stuff..!!!

   the pill...... the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   Without mentioning any names, I know my phone is smarter than some people I know.

   My teacher always is talking to her imaginary friend named "Class".

   I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.

   Some chick told me to get lost so I bought every season on DVD

   Life is like a sports car: It goes too fast, and it costs too much

   Only when they're in a fix and in need your help do they come to you all sweet and humble. I won't buy that sh*t. Fu*k you and your problems.

   I don't LOL as much as I lead people to believe I do...

   The easiset way to tell if a friend is trying to set you up with an ugly person.....when they say....."but they are a good person"

   How can a guy think he looks cool in pink shorts.

   Man Rule #1........never start a conversation with a stranger while at a urinal

   did you know President George W. Bush and Playboy founder Hugh Hefner are cousins!

   It's just another day in down turn economy with a rising unemployment rate....but other than that it's paradise...

   Omg there is high definition paint? People will believe anything. Well I just invented hd crayons, for the low price of 59.99 a box you can watch you drawings pop off the paper.. Idiots

   Watching the Today show. I noticed I could'nt understand what was being said. Thought It was me then I realized... That's how Willard Scott talks now.

   Stick a fork in him, he's Dunn..

   Dear George Clooney, I see you finally took my advice & broke up with that floozie, Elisabetta. Now you & I can get on with what is meant to be-US! You have my number, I left it for you on millions of texts,emails& letters. Pick up the phone, it's ok dear

   Live once. Regret nothing. Rewrite destiny.. nothing is written in stone. Nothing. Love your life the way you need to, not the way your told too.

   My phone is smarter than you.