Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression!!!

   I googled 'understading women'... LMAO was the result.

   If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   I just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a Facebook account and a bottle of booze.

   There is a thin line between spirituality and insanity.

   Happy TGIF to all you hardworking homemakers...(hey, its cheaper than flowers)

   I may not be able to walk straight, but I can drunk dial... Like a boss.

   Good girls go to heaven, but bad girls go everywhere

   The people I went to high school with got really old looking.

   My drunken Uncle always says, "Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you."

   Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

   Intelligence Report: Pakistan may have contributed in housing and hiding Bin Laden. Did it really take an Intelligence Report to figure this out?

   Okay ladies, exercise your suck muscle ladies, it's Friday Night!

   I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.

   Ron Artest is changing his name to Metta World Peace. How stupid. Something intelligent and original would be World B Free.

   85% of women go through life with the wrong bra size. Meanwhile every guy over 17 can tell you the exact measurement of their d!ck. Who's smarter now ladies?

   I find it odd when you are at the store and the teller hands you the receipt and says " there you are" and I respond " yes I have been here all along.. it was me that put the stuff on the counter.."

   Arguing on facebook is like the special olympics, even if you win your still retarded

   Women, you can't live with them, and they can't pee standing up!!!