Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always go the extra mile but sometimes it's because I missed the exit.

   Marriage tip: If you're getting ready to go out in public with your wife, ask her, "Would you please put on some makeup?" This will help her understand that you are concerned with her appearance, and she will love you more for it.

   If I had a dollar for every gender, I would have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits..

   This coming up Winter Olympics, I'm going to self identify as a woman, and compete in the women's " Snow writing " competition.

   An old man shuffled slowly into the ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress goes, "crushed nuts?" "No, no, no" he said. "Arthritis."

   How do you spot a nosy pepper? It gets jalapeno business

   Whenever I see a Facebook profile shared by a man and woman, I wonder which of the two has the the tightest vajayjay.

   I often wonder what they plant to grow seedless watermelons.

   BUDLIGHT's new promotion, Free knee pads with every purchase!

   The main difference between St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo is that no one pretends to be Mexican on Cinco de Mayo.

   Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

   I had a blind date tonight. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.

   Fact Checkers didn’t exist until the truth started getting out.

   Spring is here. I'm so excited, I wet my plants.

   I'm following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

   Never mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point North.

   Doggie Heaven and Squirrel Hell are the same place.

   I'm sure Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend’s house.

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up. .

   I’m having an out of money experience.