Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yo mama so fat, she need cheat codes for Wii fit.

   It's amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people's mistakes.

   A broken heart just hurts as much in a male chest as it does in a female chest.

   Never judge a person by what other people have told you. The person maybe gentle with you but harsh with others. The same sun which melts ice also hardens clay.

   real dogs ride in pickups, not purses....

   Good Mornin! Thanking The Man Upstairs For Waking Me Another Day..NVM It Was His Dang Kids Runnin nd Jumpin Being Hella Loud All Morning!

   Oh, you were hurt in the past huh? Well, 1) we are all hurt at some point, 2) get over it and 3) I'm not the one that hurt you so don't treat me like I am.

   COURAGE does not always roar,sometimes it is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says''I will try again tomorrow''.

   We change, and love changes and best friends become strangers

   So I hear the schools are going to stop teaching cursive writing. That's OK. I can type an entire sentence without making so much as one single errot.

   so many potential future ex girlfirends, so little time.

   Ingredients of who I am today; my past, my history, my success, my triumphs, my failures, my mistakes, my regrets, my attitude and my confidence.

   I dont care if you dont like me, I am not in the business of entertaining anyone.

   Doing the Moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoe.

   Every time I drink a beer It makes your lazy eye disappear Every time I do a shot I think you're hot, but I know you're not, i'm just trying to drink you pretty!

   if I ever see an amputee getting hanged, I will just start calling out letters

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars.Just a bunch of angry countries not talking to each other.

   When you believe in success, you've already succeeded...

   BREAKING: Florida Highway Patrol is reporting a mass exodus of toddlers hitchhiking to get the hell out of Florida.

   I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like a hand job