Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i think I am going to go plank on my couch...i'll upload pics later

   with your looks and my brains, we could totally win a sports radio trivia contest.

   Dream: Own a beer company named responsibly. Then all the other beer companies do my advertising for me.

   I find it ironic that the Chase Freedom commercial features a guy who keeps getting caught in a metal detector

   if you don't want to be a full time daddy put that thing on your pants

   I don't care if people call you the space cowboy, gangster of love or Maurice. I think you're delusional.

   Error 4:04 A.M. no sleep available

   The number one thing I learned on xbox live is, a lot of 12 year olds have slept with my mom.

   I forgot my "smart" phone at home today, and I must say...it's kinda nice!

   I wish I could commute by roller coaster.

   Dear lady at the McDonald's Drive-through... Why are you taking so long to order? It is McDonald's, the menu hasn't changed in 30 years... and judging by the way your poor little Honda is leaning to one side - I bet you have been here NUMEROUS times.

   Forrest Gump taught us a strange life lesson: Be completely unaware of all success you've achieved and you'll own 50% of a billion dollar shrimpin' company.

   The LA Dodgers are so broke, three players tested positive for Top Ramen

   Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life..... Dispatcher: What is your emergency? CA: Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me. Dispatcher: Okay Miss Anthony, try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days

   Using a coupon is kind of like playing with your pen!s... At first you're embarrassed... but once the cashier has it in her hand... it's all worth while.

   My curiosity and common sense are arguing again.

   Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you?" Me: "Because... you caught up to me."

   Sometimes it feels like the world is a giant bird and I'm just a freshly washed car.

   Sometimes a lil weed is all you need.

   the girl told me she loves baby showers so I jizzed on her face totally misunderstood