Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal... It makes them soggy and hard to light.

   Who ever decided that a 1" mars bar should be called fun size must be stupid .. seriously .. when is anything that is only 1" long fun. I mean come on, you need at least half a dozen to fulfil your needs

   (Insert depressing and melancholy observations, complaints and status updates in this box.)

   J-Lo's Checklist: ✓Sean Combs ✓Cris Judd ✓Ben Affleck ✓Marc Anthony __Simon Fuller __Randy Jackson __Steven Tyler __Flavor Flav

   I wish they made a “no soliciting” sign for the phone!

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, thew shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed

   I don't have pet peeves-I have major psychotic f##cking hatreds!!!

   I have washboard abs. They just happen to have a little laundry on them...

   OK-all those that believe in psyco kinesis raise my hand

   saw Harry Potter at midnight last night. LOL JK, I have a life.

   to everyone who sends me request in Farmvillie I'm gonna send you a tree for ur farm so you can hang yourself!!

   It has been revealed that Ryan Giggs of Manchester United has been slammin' his brothers wife for 8 years! damn! Talk about brotherly love.

   ORGANISM.. you read that wrong the first time didn't you...

   going to Biker Night at The Blue Oyster Bar.

   You can PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND DEAL WITH IT only so many times. Then the elastic breaks... and you really show your butt.

   actively hunting down the Killer of his Ex-Girlfriend for the last Few Years, and it's harder than Initially Thought: Nobody Wants to Do It!! :-/

   If you didn't have all this money, I'd still love you..and miss you very much.

   I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

   Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing different colored lipstick, I am getting a damn rainbow around my d*ck.

   Wedding Rings - the world's smallest handcuffs.