Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I heard was, "I swear it'll be funny"... Then we were in jail.

   In today's economy, a picture is only worth about 250 words.

   The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.

   Most cocaine addicts don't even like cocaine, they just use it as an excuse to put dollar bills up their nose.

   I just had a SPIDER try webbing down on me this morning in the shower. Let me tell you, that'll kill a morning wood REAL quick!

   there is always that one pair of socks you can never get off, by just using your big toe!

   Its not the heat, its your FACE!!!

   thinking about lighting up the fire pit to cool down outside

   if alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniels is the wheelchair

   I think my memory must be made up of at least 90% song lyrics...

   My twelve year old was riding with me listening to a classic rock station and he says "I can't believe they have a Rock Band staion!"

   Right now....your tongue can't find a comfortable spot in your mouth

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that.."

   I'm smart my lightbulb just flickers sometimes.

   A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and $52,389,630.00 cash. Wow says the granddaughter.. Where is this wealth? On my FB.

   My parents had a weird perspective on raising me. The day they brought me home from the hospital when I was born, they put a sign on my bedroom door: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

   Monica Lewinsky has changed her political affiliation to Republican. The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

   The next person that says "It's not the heat, it's the humidity" is going to realize, "It's not my fist, it's the impact".

   how do beautiful people travel? Because they certainly don't appear to be using airports.

   everyone has pretended to die infront their pets to see if they would do anything.