Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Real recognize real and you don't look familiar to me!

   Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like god came down and highlighted all the important parts.

   This girl I know has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.

   Are you like me...are there people in your life alive only because you can't afford a good Hitman

   When I say I will NEVER do something, rest assured I'll be doing it within 6 weeks.

   My brother says Andrew how can you be drinking already its not even 11am, well I said I changed the time on my laptop 2 hours ahead.

   If you're homophobic, it's important to remember that they're more afraid of you than you are of them

   Just saw a bumper sticker that said Distracted drivers crash, hang up and drive. Then I crashed into him because I was reading the sticker.

   Can we name the next hurricane Shaniqua or something? I feel like if we give hurricanes ghetto names, people will be more inclined to get away from them. Hurricane Irene sounds friendly. Hurricane Shaniqua will rip out your weave if you look at it wrong.

   I'm blessed and highly favored! Just thought I should remind you all.

   Fellas: Never lead a woman on and let her think she has a chance with you when deep down you know she doesn't.

   OK ladies....College football starts tonight!! You may now start to cheat, shop or whatever.....Just shut up and stay out of the Man Cave!!

   Sorry ladies but there is more to it than getting naked and saying, "Come get it daddy"

   My dad told me that if I didn't change my ways that I was going to wake up dead some day. Cool! I'm gonna be a zombie.

   Always be thankful for another day of life because you never know when it's gonna be your last.

   Treat your girl right, or another guy will...or maybe another girl.

   The uneasy moment when you can't understand someone even though they repeated themselves 5 times.

   I study Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in Mad Black Lady, I'm forsaking both and signing up.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts today, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   Though I love and embrace all the cultures of the world, I still have to laugh when the guy at the customer service center in India says "What's up, bro? My name's Dave. How's it going?"