Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

   Now is the worst possible time to catch someone’s drift.

   Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

   I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

   My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

   Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

   My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown. He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

   I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.

   Popeye's Chicken is offensive to guys who have ridiculously large forearms with anchors tattooed on them and really skinny girlfriends.

   If they are taking all the letters of the alphabet, what will we use?

   Went to Walmart today & y'all should've seen all the commotion. Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, and Uncle Ben were protesting, Texas Pete and Capt. Morgan were getting drunk, Little Debbie was working the corner, and Jimmy Dean was showing everybody his sa

   Lego is offensive to people with bad knees.

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   The Log Cabin Syrup logo is offensive to trees

   Do people just get up and think about what they can be offended by today?

   When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change, hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   I called the book store and asked for some new book I had heard about on improving one's s€x life. The clerk said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." I go, "Yep, that's the one!"

   And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make