Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What does it say for Climate when the NHL ice hockey playoffs are played during the Summer between one team in Florida and the other in the dessert?

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting

   First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

   I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

   Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

   It is sad that jokes about Brandon are about the only witty things some people ever say. Even then, it isn't even that witty since they apply to both of the latest presidents.

   Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

   What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit? -Mr.President...

   Back in my day we *earned* those rips and tears in our jeans. They didn't come pre-made that way.Back in my day we *earned* those rips and tears in our jeans. They didn't come pre-made that way.

   Life in Kentucky is weird, for example we can't make ice anymore because the old lady with the recipe died

   Some people identify as non-binary. That means there are two categories: Binary and non-binary. Therefore, even if you identify as non-binary, you're still binary.

   2023: Where pizza crusts are made from chicken, hamburgers are made from plants, and milk is made from nuts.

   Instagram: A display of women with zero self-respect and we men are ecstatic over it.

   They say do something today that makes the world a better place….so I’m getting drunk.

   Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding this past Saturday..

   Camp Lejeune bottled water is now outselling Bud Lite.

   What do you call a snowman in July? ...a puddle

   Meet hook the roofie

   Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is "What are you in for?"

   I have trouble always mixing my metaphors. I don't know why. It's not rocket surgery.