Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels: 1) barely moving 2) maybe faster 3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind

   If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

   I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullsh*t is over.

   Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

   “What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?” -Inventor of grapefruit

   Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

   Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*

   All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

   They don't seem to be tearing down MLK statues.

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right about now.

   They said wearing a mask keeps you from touching your face… I need one for my d*ck.

   Joe Biden looks like he smells like pee.

   Not saying I have the biggest nose in the world but my mask is a D cup

   No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.

   ur mom gay

   The difference between Andrew Cuomo and Osama Bin Laden is Cuomo kiIIed more New Yorkers.

   For some reason, I always thought Elijah Cummings and John Lewis were the same guy. ☻

   They need to change all of the street signs on my street. It seems that stop, yield and speed limits have no effect. They should change them to “safe Drivers save 40%

   2 + 2 = 46,783 -the CDC counting covid19 cases

   Here's a freebie Earthlings: treat Covid-19 as you would canine parvovirus.